Big Fat Failure

Yeah... that didnt last long. I realized I'm lazy. and I like food. And I was working full time, finishing my masters, and raising a family. so I failed. And now Im a big fat failure because I think I have actually gained weight. which sucks. But now I am done with school. And I have time. Im still broke as hell, but I have time. I guess I should look into the gym. Id like one with a pool, but I think theyre too pricey for my wallet. At least for now.

In the mean time, I guess i need a place to vent. Because as much as I love my family, I often times find myself wanting to walk away from them.Maybe not forever, but for a little while so they learn to appreciate me. Because I feel like the only one who does anything. I work full time, I cook the dinners, I make the lunches, I get the kid up and ready and off to school, I do all the laundry, i fold the laundry, i even put it away (eventually) all the while hearing my DH bitch and moan about how its not put away or how he has no clean clothes. But GOD FORBID he actually do something about it. I only finished school this week, so I was doing that on top of everything else. I need a break. And DH is so effing moody I can't figure him out day to day. Today he was crabby, but couldnt snap out of it and we went to a family dinner at my parents and my sister and niece and nephews and cousin were there and he sat on the couch and looked at his phone almost the whole time. Didnt get up to help when his daughter dropped her entire plate of food, didn't interact with anyone. He told my mother he felt "disconnected". You dont get to disconnect from your kids and your family and rejoin when you feel like it. It doesnt work that way. And its frustrating because now hes sitting next to me on the couch at our house SNORING. While the kids are playing and I am typing and bitching and being annoyed. Because I know when its actually time for bed, he'll lay there and play a game on his effing Kindle Fire for an hour and then either roll over and ignore me or want to be intimate, which given his attitude today, I have ZERO desire to be. I guess I feel better just getting it out. Somewhere. Not that anyone reads this. But at least I can get it off my chest. Men suck, I want to leave my kid and step kids somewhere for three days and go AWAY from it all, but then..... I don't get to "disconnect" like someone else around here and get away with it.......

push through it my a#$

So yesterday I felt the need to move and be active. So this morning I decided to try level one of Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. I thought I was going to die. She kept telling me to push through. I wanted to punch her in the face. Its a 20 minute work out. I got through about 8-10 minutes. I paused. I breathed. I watched to know what to expect for next time. I hate working out. I had just forgotten how much. I like the gym. I like getting on the elliptical and listening to music and getting the cardio that way, but Jillian? You kicked my ass in less than 15 minutes. I will not forget this. And I hope to do it again....

Keep going

Friday/ Saturday

Friday Food Journal:
- Small bowl Special K chocolatey delight cereal
- yogurt
- handful almonds
- progresso chicken gumbo soup
- 1 slice whole wheat bread
- 3 homemade meatballs (lean ground beef/ italian sausage blend)
- 1/4 cup white flour pasta
- 3/4 cup whole grain high fiber pasta
- 1/2 cup marinara sauce

Saturday:
- Special K vanilla protein shake
- turkey sandwhich on whole wheat with lettuce 1T mayo
- ~7oz chicken breast baked with mesquite marinade and BBQ sauce
- 1/3 cup chicken flavored brown rice
- bowl salad with easy ranch dressing (easy for me, anyway)
- sm bowl chocolatey delight cereal


I am so distracted today. I need to move. I need to work out or do something active. I have homework. Blah.

The Reasons....

This list is to remind myself about why I am doing this. Whay am I not enjoying my foods as much as I used to (uhmmm... hello? Hero's Spuds El Grande? Yum) and starting to move more and get leaner...

-Florida in April
-Look good in a wedding dress
-Feel better
-Have more energy
-Do more with the kids
-Be healthy
-Not feel guilty when I get the nachos with 2 kinds of cheese
-Look better in my everyday clothes
-Increase my self confidence
-Be an inspiration

Not all in that order, but it is how they popped into my head. Keep it up- it takes 4 weeks to notice a change in your own body, 8 weeks for others to notice, and 12 weeks to make it a habit. Give it 12 weeks. It will be for the good. Weigh in tomorrow.... Wish me luck....

Day Three

Special K Protein Shake
Special K granola bar
Lean Cuisine pizza
Handful almonds
turkey breast


At work today, I'm eating all healthy and the big boss decides he wants to order pizza for lunch. As much as I wanted a slice of greasy cheesy goodness, I resisted and ate my Lean Cuisine pizza instead. Not nearly as delicious, but there is something about having the discipline that makes me feel really good.

The beginning

I tried to start a blog a few years ago, but I never could quite the hang of this whole commitment thing.... Huh. I wonder what my exes would say about that. LOL. OK.... so. I am 31. I am engaged. I have a daughter that will be 7 in a few short months. My fiancee has two kids ages 11 and 5. Im in graduate school (which, by the way, is what I should be working on as I type this). Needless to say, I am busy. I'm overweight, I'm tired, and I'm tired of being overweight. I lost close to 70 pounds when my daughter was 1. I looked amazing. Then I went broke and moved back to Chicago in the dead of winter with no job lined up, so I sat. And ate the best food this country knows. And I gained. Then I got pregnant by major surprise, didn't know I was pregnant til I was nearly 6 months along (trust me- it DOES happen) and placed my son up for adoption with the most amazing family. But I didn't lose that weight. And I am, nearly 3 years later, right back where I started after my daughter was born. Only this time, I want to do it right- no drugs, no starvation. Just eating right, moving more. So this blog is going to be a place for me to track my progress, vent about my struggles, and keep track of my journey. My journey is not your journey or any one else's journey. And I need to remember that I will never be a size 2, but that I would be happy with a size 10 or 12. I am currently a size 16 and sometimes those feel snug. I will not buy anything larger. I must get smaller. And here it goes....

Beginning weight: 221 pounds
Height: 5' 9"
Body type: gain in the mid section between ribs and thighs
Start date: January 3, 2012

Food Journal Day One:
Small bowl of Special K Chocolatey delight cereal
Handful of almonds
yogurt
Lean Cuisine deluxe pizza
cube steak, noodles, gravy, salad
Special K granola bar

Day Two:
2 nutrigrain waffles with honey
Chicken and brown rice soup
1 slice of whole grain bread
handful almonds
yogurt parfait
tukey sandwich with 1/2 tablespoon mayo and lettuce on whole grain bread
15 Special K Cracker Chips
small bowl special K chocolatey delight cereal